Everyone talks about rewarding yourself for dieting. A manicure for 7lbs lost, a facial for 14lbs lost etc etc.
I didn't actually bother with any of these, although I wish I'd saved a £1 for every lb I lost

These are my rewards:-

Energy
Happiness
Confidence
Being able to shop anywhere and know they'll have my size
Crossing my legs
Bending over to put my shoes on
Getting a couple of shoe sizes smaller
The water flows around me and down the plughole in the bath (instead of making a dam)
Knowing I'll fit in "normal" seats with arms and at tables with fixed benches
I can walk for hours without my feet aching
I can get up in the morning and walk downstairs without being completely stiff
Blending into the background
To be able to go to the Doctors and not have them blame whatever my ailment is on my weight
Seatbelts fit (even in little sports cars)
When my friends clothes get too small they give them to me (can you imagine???)
Cameras don't scare me
I can get off a low settee without doing an impression of a pregnant woman
My husband can pick me up with ease
I don't have to walk sideways down the aisle of the bus.

These are my updated photos. First one is taken one week into my Cambridge Diet. The second is -190lbs later.

I was reading a magazine article yesterday that I found very interesting. Now for years I've hated myself and absolutely loathed my body.

The reasons listed for body loathing were:-

being bullied or teased at school for being overweight

a casual remark from someone about looking fat

parents who were overly controlling about what you ate

parents or other people in your life who were critical of your appearance or compared you unfavourably to siblings or friends

being singled out by peers or family for looking "different" in some way

developing earlier or later than peers

having been sexually abused or assaulted

low self-esteem

I won't go into which ones apply to me, but 7 out of the 8 do

Makes you think doesn't it. But anyway the past is the past now. My hubby says the biggest change about me losing weight is how happy I am now.

Finally I am actually learning to love my body, despite the stretch marks and loose skin and accept myself for me now. In the beginning it just reminded me of the damage I'd done to myself but now I see it as an indication of how far I've come. Believe me, this body with all it's faults is way better than the old oneDD

and hello 160's

I did itD I lost 4lbs this week, making me under 12 stone

Being obsessed with numbers, I can remember every weight I've been at every point in my life apart from 13 stone something and now 11 stone something. Obviously I was at some point, but I can't ever remember seeing 11 something on the scales.

Only 6lbs officially left to go now, and I'm under my original target of 12 stone

I quite fancy rounding my loss up to 200lbs lost which means I have to get down to 11 stone 3, but we'll see about that

I'm getting a strange urge to go abroad for the first time in my life

First of all I used my "fear of flying" as an excuse. I am actually scared of flying, but more than that I was scared of not fitting in the seat. The other more embarassing problem was that even in this country (although I adore the sun) I was constantly hot, sweaty and uncomfortable. I would get so sweaty I constantly had to wear dark clothes. The reason for this was that my thighs were so big it looked like I had wet myself and I couldn't sit on chairs because I would leave a wet patch behind and I constantly had to carry a spare pair of knickers in my handbag.

Much to my amazement now I have a gap at the top of my thighs, so no longer have this problem (thank goodnes!!), and of course I'm always bloody freezing now. The sun should suit me just fine

I now have a sudden longing to go abroad and get some sand and sunshine. I'm sure I can put up with the flying. I'll just take a book to distract meD

So now I have to get a passport and get me a lovely holiday booked. Any suggestions?? As long as its hot. I also don't fancy the thought of lying on a beach all day. I like to go to museums and art galleries, exhibitions, walking, sightseeing etc. (still need to get the exercise in).

on the Cambridge Diet. That's 3 times longer than most people have to do.

My advice is - if you've only got a couple of stone to lose, DO IT NOW.

Don't wait until you've got more than half your bodyweight to lose.

It's hard!!!!

Ok so it's a bit of a morbid fascination. I followed a link from a blog I read and found a blog of a lady in America who wants to put on weight. Originally I thought that she must be underweight and wanted to get her weight up to normal. But no, she wants to get really really obese. She's decided that she would love to get up to around 400lbs (I was 357lbs). She loves getting bigger and logs her weight gain every week. If she's ill and loses a couple of pounds, she's devastated. She also lists the food she eats (all junk of course).
I was just so fascinated by this blog. I just can't believe that anyone would ever want to be purposely fatter than I was. I can't understand why anyone would want to do that to themselves. I know I did, but I didn't do it on purpose and I certainly didn't love my overhanging stomach (she does).
The other strange thing is I found myself feeling a teensy bit jealous. She was eating anything and everything she wanted, and was sooo happy to be doing what she loved and achieving her goal (putting on weight). I can't imagine eating everything I wanted and actually enjoying it, without feeling guilty.
Obviously it's not good for her and I'm sure she can't possibly realise how restrictive it is being that size. The strain on her heart, breathlessness etc etc.
Still - it did fascinate me though (yep I'm weird)

I'm so glad I put a site meter on here because this referral gave me a laugh. Someone found this site looking for "Jemima knickerless pictures". Awww bet they were disappointed

Wonder who Jemima is???

Got weighed in last night and was disappointed to find that I'd only lost 4lbs in the past 2 weeks (so was my counsellor!), but when she checked my BMI it was cause for a celebration. I'm only overweight now, not obese, not morbidly obese or super morbidly obese, just plain old ordinary overweight. Now I am just another normal overweight person like all the other millions in Britain This also means that I can finally book on my Cambridge Counsellors courseD

I also think that my mind is finally catching up with my body (look out for contradictions in the following paragraphs ). I'm still shocked sometimes when I catch sight of myself in a shop window, etc to see how normal I look and sometimes I don't even recognise that its me for a few seconds.

I sit in my chair at home and I feel tiny. There seems to be loads of space around me, whereas before I totally filled it and didnt really fit at all. I sit in my chair now and make myself as tiny as possible. I seem to be able to fold myself in . I can wrap my arms round my body and bring my legs up to my chest and I feel that I could fold myself in so tiny I could disappear

This feeling of being small also worries me though (of course it does I'm not happy unless I'm worrying over something!). When I was at my biggest, even though I knew in my head I was big I didn't really think I was as big as I was. When I saw photos I thought they had just been taken at an unflattering angle and that's not how I really looked. The person looking back at me in the mirror looked nowhere near as massive as I looked in photos and videos.

So now you will understand that when I look at myself now and think that I'm "normal" or even dare to think that I'm "small". I worry that I'm still kidding myself.

I bought a skirt on Wednesday - size 12 and it's still a bit big round my waist. The top I bought was size 14/16 and was too big. Instead of accepting that I'm a size now that I wasn't when I was a teenager I'm convinced that clothes sizes have got bigger.

So as you can see even when my brain starts catching up with my eyes I'm still not happy to trust it just yet

So I've only got another 10lbs to lose now (offficially anyway). I really would like to be under 12 stone next weeks, so I haven't had any chocolate bars and am going to drink a litre more water than I normally drink (every little helps).
I'm excited to see 11 stone something, because although I can remember all the weights I've been over years and years I can't ever remember seeing 11 something on the scales (I must have been at some point but can't have been dieting for once in my life).

Have a good weekend

I think I touched on this subject in an earlier blog entry, but I don't think I went into details (and you know I'm too lazy to look ).
I do remember saying that I was lying to myself and those people around me. I have to say I can't stand lying, but I wasn't deliberately lying, I had really convinced myself (and family and friends) that I hardly ate. The problem was, I hardly ate an "actual" meal, but I constantly ate little bits all through the day. It would start with a piece of toast (with lots of margarine), then maybe a bowl of cereal. Perhaps a little slice of cake, a handful of crisps etc. etc. I would then convince myself that I'd hardly eaten all day and then think I should eat more at dinner time. I would eat a healthy dinner, but keep finding excuses to nip into the kitchen for a handful of this and a handful of that. I would open the refrigerator door several times. I don't know if I thought that something nice and tasty would magically materialize if I opened it a certain amount of times Those were good days.
I've never admitted this to anyone before, but I was actually a binge-eater. I told my husband yesterday that I used to binge and that I was a food addict. He looked at me shocked and said "No you're not!!". But I was. I kept the fact so well hidden I've been married to him for 18 years and he never even had a clue.
Cereal was a terrible binge food for me. I could open a box of Crunchy nut cornflake, drown them in "whole" milk (skimmed wouldn't do!!!) and then just to top it off add some cream Once I'd started on this I could not rest until I'd finished the whole box. I can't explain how I felt and I can only imagine it's how someone feels who's trying to give up cigarettes. I felt the most terrible craving, and felt so agitated and restless I just couldn't stop myself. The feeling of being out of control then got to me and I would find anything else to eat. Even food I didn't like. I would buy biscuits that I didn't like for the rest of the family, but when I was in the grip of a binge I couldn't have cared less what they tasted like. The stupid thing was I never actually tasted the food I was eating. It was as if I thought that by eating it quickly it just wouldn't count. Well, let me say, 25 and a half stone later it definitely did count!!!!
As I've said before I suffer from OCD and I just cannot do things by halves. I was either very very good or very very bad with my eating. That's the reason I decided on the Cambridge Diet. I knew that with food out of the equation I would be much better. And it's worked. My head is much clearer now. I can't push my emotions away with food. When I read about people eating so that they didn't have to face their emotions, I was adamant that I wasn't one of them. But I obviously was. I ate when I was happy, I ate when I was sad, angry, you name it I ate!!!
The strange thing now is that I'm finally learning to face my emotions. The food isn't there to do it for me. All my life I haven't been able to stand up to people, I couldn't say no and wanted to please everyone. Not any more. I've given up my job. I talk to my husband about my feelings. I cry more (which is annoying!!!), but then I feel better after. I'm learning to say no (not easy for me though). Another good thing is that I don't suffer so much from depression and mood swings. I would have terrible moods where, I'm sad to say I felt such a rage I just can't describe it. I would stay up all night and just feel like smashing the whole house up (a few things did get smashed but not the whole house).
I've only touched on this subject, there's far more to it, but I just wanted to share it with you. I don't want anyone to feel like I used to feel. Please stop being in denial and admit you have a problem to someone. When I started this diet I used to tell my husband to ask me every day whether I'd eaten something I shouldn't (fortunately I've never felt the urge to), but just knowing that he was going to ask me, made me feel like I couldn't do it. If only I'd admitted my bingeing to him years ago, perhaps things wouldn't have got this far
Anyway there's no use crying over spilt milk (I typed me then instead of milk!!!), all that is in my past and I have the future to look forward to. I'm still frightened that when I start eating again I shall feel the urge to binge, but I haven't done it for over 9 months now, so fingers crossed it won't ever come to that again.

My husband has always been a fan of rally driving (ever since I've known him). On Friday an envelope came through the door that looked interesting (yes I know I shouldn't open them, but he doesn't mind!!). Inside was info for a rally driving school. He knows I can't stand rallying and think it's too dangerous, but he said he just wanted to find out the prices.
To cut a long story short one of his cousins is a rally driver and we found out yesterday that he was in a serious crash. The rally car skidded on some snow and the driver was killed. He died at the scene. Hubbys cousin, fortunately had no injuries.
Hubby has now changed his mind.
I don't know the driver of the car, but I can't imagine how his family felt. When we heard it on TV yesterday and they mentioned the village we live in I instinctively thought of my hubbys cousin and my worst fears were confirmed, although he is ok himself, I dread to think what mental damage your friend dying next to you can cause. My thoughts are with the friends family.

Due to the terrible weather condition here I didn't go for my weigh in last night. I have last weight by my scales, butI always use my counsellors scales as my official weight, so I won't be updating my tracker this week.
Fortunately weather isn't so bad today so hubby is going over to pick up my "food" for the rest of the week otherwise I shall die of starvation
On another notes, and I don't know why this got to me so much, but it did A friend of mine lost a lot of weight a couple of years ago (around 9 stone) and went through loads of plastic surgery etc afterwards. However, she has now put back on 3 and a half stone, making her 15 stone 7 (that's the weight she tells me anyway), which makes her 3 stone heavier than me. Last week she asked if I had any clothes I had grown out of that she could have, so I found out some 18's and 16's for her. Anyway last night she rang and told me that they were all too big for her. For some reason this really me off. I've only just gone into a size 14 and am still wearing some size 16's, so at 3 stone heavier than me how can 16's and 18's be too big?? I know I shouldn't be bothered, but it makes me think that she's saying "Look I'm 3 stone heavier than you, but I can still get into smaller clothes!!".
She's now frantically doing "Slimfast" to try and slim down.
Sigh - anyway that's my moan over.
Have a good weekends

I've had an invitation from someone and when I've looked at their blog it's all about Breast Enlargements.

Well!!!! I know they've shrunk, but there's no need to rub it in :: ::

Just to show there really is less than half of me left Here's a pic of me in my old size 30 jeans (couldn't find a size 32), and believe me these were tight

Last night I lost 5lbs, bringing my total of weight loss (on my 280th day on the diet) to 13 stone. I now weight 12 stone 7lbs, so I've lost more than I weigh

I had a serious talk with my counsellor last night, because I'm getting sick of people telling me I'm losing too much. In the last week I've had several people commenting. I don't think I've lost too much yet so I asked my counsellor, as I knew she would give me an unbiased opinion.

To be a counsellor my BMI needs to be 28 (at the least). For some reason I'd got it into my head that it was 12 stone 4!!! Anyway, to be BMI 28 I will need to be around 11 stone 7. So we've decided that I will sole source down to 11 stone 7 and then go into maintenance. Maintenance consists of 2 weeks on the 790 plan, then 2 weeks on 1200 and 2 weeks on 1500. I should still continue to lose weight on maintenance, so will hopefully be under 11 stone by the end.

So my ticker has been changed to reflect my new target. It's only 14lbsDD and in around 10 - 12 weeks I will be eating normally.

Whoo hooo - I can't wait There's finally a light at the end of the tunnel.