Here I Go Again

I think I touched on this subject in an earlier blog entry, but I don't think I went into details (and you know I'm too lazy to look ).
I do remember saying that I was lying to myself and those people around me. I have to say I can't stand lying, but I wasn't deliberately lying, I had really convinced myself (and family and friends) that I hardly ate. The problem was, I hardly ate an "actual" meal, but I constantly ate little bits all through the day. It would start with a piece of toast (with lots of margarine), then maybe a bowl of cereal. Perhaps a little slice of cake, a handful of crisps etc. etc. I would then convince myself that I'd hardly eaten all day and then think I should eat more at dinner time. I would eat a healthy dinner, but keep finding excuses to nip into the kitchen for a handful of this and a handful of that. I would open the refrigerator door several times. I don't know if I thought that something nice and tasty would magically materialize if I opened it a certain amount of times Those were good days.
I've never admitted this to anyone before, but I was actually a binge-eater. I told my husband yesterday that I used to binge and that I was a food addict. He looked at me shocked and said "No you're not!!". But I was. I kept the fact so well hidden I've been married to him for 18 years and he never even had a clue.
Cereal was a terrible binge food for me. I could open a box of Crunchy nut cornflake, drown them in "whole" milk (skimmed wouldn't do!!!) and then just to top it off add some cream Once I'd started on this I could not rest until I'd finished the whole box. I can't explain how I felt and I can only imagine it's how someone feels who's trying to give up cigarettes. I felt the most terrible craving, and felt so agitated and restless I just couldn't stop myself. The feeling of being out of control then got to me and I would find anything else to eat. Even food I didn't like. I would buy biscuits that I didn't like for the rest of the family, but when I was in the grip of a binge I couldn't have cared less what they tasted like. The stupid thing was I never actually tasted the food I was eating. It was as if I thought that by eating it quickly it just wouldn't count. Well, let me say, 25 and a half stone later it definitely did count!!!!
As I've said before I suffer from OCD and I just cannot do things by halves. I was either very very good or very very bad with my eating. That's the reason I decided on the Cambridge Diet. I knew that with food out of the equation I would be much better. And it's worked. My head is much clearer now. I can't push my emotions away with food. When I read about people eating so that they didn't have to face their emotions, I was adamant that I wasn't one of them. But I obviously was. I ate when I was happy, I ate when I was sad, angry, you name it I ate!!!
The strange thing now is that I'm finally learning to face my emotions. The food isn't there to do it for me. All my life I haven't been able to stand up to people, I couldn't say no and wanted to please everyone. Not any more. I've given up my job. I talk to my husband about my feelings. I cry more (which is annoying!!!), but then I feel better after. I'm learning to say no (not easy for me though). Another good thing is that I don't suffer so much from depression and mood swings. I would have terrible moods where, I'm sad to say I felt such a rage I just can't describe it. I would stay up all night and just feel like smashing the whole house up (a few things did get smashed but not the whole house).
I've only touched on this subject, there's far more to it, but I just wanted to share it with you. I don't want anyone to feel like I used to feel. Please stop being in denial and admit you have a problem to someone. When I started this diet I used to tell my husband to ask me every day whether I'd eaten something I shouldn't (fortunately I've never felt the urge to), but just knowing that he was going to ask me, made me feel like I couldn't do it. If only I'd admitted my bingeing to him years ago, perhaps things wouldn't have got this far
Anyway there's no use crying over spilt milk (I typed me then instead of milk!!!), all that is in my past and I have the future to look forward to. I'm still frightened that when I start eating again I shall feel the urge to binge, but I haven't done it for over 9 months now, so fingers crossed it won't ever come to that again.

My husband has always been a fan of rally driving (ever since I've known him). On Friday an envelope came through the door that looked interesting (yes I know I shouldn't open them, but he doesn't mind!!). Inside was info for a rally driving school. He knows I can't stand rallying and think it's too dangerous, but he said he just wanted to find out the prices.
To cut a long story short one of his cousins is a rally driver and we found out yesterday that he was in a serious crash. The rally car skidded on some snow and the driver was killed. He died at the scene. Hubbys cousin, fortunately had no injuries.
Hubby has now changed his mind.
I don't know the driver of the car, but I can't imagine how his family felt. When we heard it on TV yesterday and they mentioned the village we live in I instinctively thought of my hubbys cousin and my worst fears were confirmed, although he is ok himself, I dread to think what mental damage your friend dying next to you can cause. My thoughts are with the friends family.